


Fallen Morning Star

by Krit



Series: Fuck It, This Is Love [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: BDSM, Bruises, Clary compares herself to her father, Communication, Depressive Episode, Description of Post BDSM scene marks, Discussion of BDSM aspects, Dom Clary Fray, Dom Drop, Emotional Healing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Endorphin Crash, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Morgenstern Family Feels, Self depreciation, Self-Doubt, Sub Jace Wayland, self deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:40:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21893053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krit/pseuds/Krit
Summary: Clary wakes up the morning after an intense scene, feeling less than great about everything.
Relationships: Clary Fray & Maia Roberts, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Maia Roberts & Jace Wayland
Series: Fuck It, This Is Love [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1522517
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	Fallen Morning Star

Clary held Jace’s head to her chest as he slept, her other hand trailing fingertips over his back. A canvas of pink, red, yellow, blue, purple, and the untouched patches of skin where Maia had taught her it was unsafe to hit. But even those spots had raised pink and red lines from where she’d drawn on his skin with the tip of her dagger. The black swirls of his runes blended with the painting she’d left behind under his skin. She watched her fingers dance over her work. She had always been an artist. As far back as she could remember. With crayons and pencils. And now paddles and floggers. Jace had responded beautifully. The way he arched and trembled. The sweet sounds that fell from his lips. The whole world fell away. All that existed was this beautiful angel at her feet. She felt like she was floating. Flying. Invincible. Clary fell asleep with a smile on her face.

When Clary woke, her hand was still splayed over Jace’s back. It looked different than the night before. The bruises had settled, looking less like art, and more like injury. The scratches weren’t fine lines anymore, they looked... irritated. Jace shifted, waking up slowly. He pressed a kiss to her sternum and looked up at her, smiling.

“Good morning.” He whispered. His voice was rough. Harsh. He had used it a lot the night before. Clary smiled, but for some reason, it didn’t feel right.

“Good morning, sweetie. How are you feeling?”

“Mmm. Sore.” He grinned. “It’s good.”

“Are you sure? Maybe you should activate your iratze...” she chewed her lip, a twisting feeling churning in her stomach.

“No, I’m good. I promise.” He started to get up, pressing a kiss to her lips. “I’m gonna go shower, okay?”

“Yeah.” Clary murmured, watching him head into the bathroom. His back, his ass, his thighs. She had really worked him over. She went to sit up, but fell back onto the bed. She didn’t feel like getting up. She felt like curling under the blankets and never moving. The air in the room felt heavy. She was tired. Exhausted. Drained. She thought about getting up. Going downstairs. Eating. Talking to people. It all seemed... she closed her eyes. Maybe if she got some more rest, she would feel better.

She didn’t fall back asleep, just sort of laid there. When Jace came back out of the bathroom in a fresh pair of jeans, rubbing his head with a towel, he looked at her curiously.

“You alright?” He asked gently.

“Fine.” Her voice was flat. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He raised an eyebrow and waved a hand to encompass the fact that she was still in bed.

“Just tired. Worn out, I think.”

“Okay. Let me know if you feel sick, okay?”

He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek before sitting on the bed to put on his socks. He inhaled sharply as he hit the mattress, and Clary’s chest clenched. He was hurt. And not a good hurt. She hurt him. His back looked even worse after the shower, the skin red, the bruises darker.

“You should heal that.” She sat up. “Let me heal that.” She reached out to touch him. He flinched as her fingers brushed one of the bruises, and he made that sound again. That quick breath that meant he was hurting more than he was letting on. “Jace.” She said quietly, her voice small.

“Hey, I’m fine.” He assured her. “Just tender. It’s okay.” He gave a little, worried smile. “Are you sure _you’re_ okay? You look like you’re about to cry.”

“I hurt you.” She whispered.

“I _asked_ you to. I enjoyed it. Clary, we talked about this.” He reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear, stroking her cheek.

“But I... I liked it. And not just... it wasn’t just about doing it because you enjoyed it. Jace, I _liked_ hurting you. I-“ her voice trembled as her eyes watered. “I liked how it made me feel. Strong and powerful, I felt like...”

“Like you were in control?”

“I felt like a Morgenstern.”

Jace sighed and pulled Clary close. She tried to push away.

“Why are _you_ comforting _me_? You’re the one who’s hurt.”

“But _you’re_ the one in pain.”

“Jace...” Clary sighed and let herself relax against his side. “We can spend all day every day pretending that Valentine never hurt you, and that I’m not his daughter. But... reality still exists. He got off on beating you and controlling you. And now, I do too. That’s fucked up. _I’m_ fucked up.”

“No. Clary-“

“Stop! Stop trying to make me feel better about this!” Her chest felt tight. She tried to take a breath, and couldn’t quite manage it. “I’m just like him.” She gasped.

“No-“

“I am!” No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t breathe. She was getting dizzy.

“Clary, please, you need to calm down.” Jace sounded frantic. “You- you’re freaking out. That’s okay. It’s okay. I’m gonna text Maia, alright? She’ll come over and we can all talk this out. Everything’s gonna be okay. You just need to breathe. Slow and steady, alright?”

Clary nodded, tears falling down her face. She felt sick. And so exhausted. Maia had been such a big help with all this so far. She could help.

As soon as Maia showed up, she had Jace and Clary sit at the head of the bed, propped against the pillows, with Jace’s arm around Clary’s shoulders. She put a fuzzy blanket in Clary’s lap and pulled a water bottle out of her backpack. “Drink this.” She ordered, holding it out.

“I’m not-“

“Drink.”

Clary sighed and did as she was told. When she was done, Maia pulled out a bag of mini Reese’s cups. White chocolate, Clary’s favorite. She held one out and Clary just shook her head. Maia grabbed her hand and placed the candy in it.

“Eat.” She said firmly. It was tiny, Clary barely had to chew it. She let it melt in her mouth.

“So.” Maia said gently, but with that same firm tone. “Tell me what going on in your head right now.”

Clary sighed and looked away. “I spend all this time trying to pretend I have nothing to do with my family. I’m my mother’s daughter and nothing else. Like Valentine and Jonathan aren’t even...” She took a deep breath. “There’s as much of Valentine in me as there was in Jonathan. As much as there is of my mother. I’m his daughter. I’m a Morgenstern. And I can snap and deny, and call myself whatever I want, the fact remains.” Maia handed her another peanut butter cup, and she stared at it miserably before putting it in her mouth.

“Babe, I’m more of a Morgenstern than you are.” Have said softly, kissing the side of her head. “Nature verses nurture is a crapshoot.”

“Yeah, and I was good telling myself that. But think about it, Jace. It’s not just this!” She ate the chocolate Maia silently put in her hand. “I’m aggressive, I’m manipulative, I spend more energy trying to force everyone to do things my way than actually listening to them. I always think I know what’s best for people no matter what they think.” She stopped for breath and took a sip from the second water bottle Maia put in her hands.

“Like right now?” Jace raised an eyebrow when she turned to look at him. “Right now today, where you’re insisting that you’ve abused me and you’re a bad person, no mater how much I try to tell you otherwise?”

Clary narrowed her eyes at him and are the chocolate Maia put in her hand. “You know that’s not what I mean.”

“No, you don’t realize that’s what you mean.” Jace sighed and pressed his forehead to hers. “You’re freaking out. That’s okay. But all the things you’re brain is telling you are flawed logic.”

“Why?”

“Because intent matters.” Maia piped up, handing her two more peanut butter cups. “Why you do what you do. Why it makes you feel the way you do. What you take away from it. It all matters. This right here is actually an example of you _not_ being like your father. Do you think he genuinely agonized over being a monster? No! He thought he was a fucking saint. You’re not like him, Clary. You really are a good person. And being a sadist doesn’t mean you’re not. Because intent matters.”

“Did you see what I did to him?”

“Did you hear me tell you I enjoyed it? And I would’ve told you if I didn’t. We have safe words, don’t you know I would use them if I needed to?”

“Right. It’s not like you were conditioned since birth to associate pain with pleasure, and process abuse as affection.”

They were all quiet for a moment. Jace and Clary just staring at each other while Maia put the water bottle back in Clary’s hands.

“So.” Jace began quietly. “The assumption is, that because I’m broken, I can’t possibly know what’s good for me? You’re also assuming that I’m a masochist purely because of what happened to me. We don’t know that. In fact, it’s more likely that I would’ve been, regardless of what my childhood looked like. Being a masochist, and being submissive, even if it did all come from him, that doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to enjoy it. That doesn’t make it unhealthy.”

“Jace, you fell in love with the daughter of the man who abused you. That’s....”

“My life is more convoluted than a Greek Tragedy, that’s still not always a bad thing.” He smiled softly and took her hand, kissing the knuckles. “I’m happy. You make me happy. If something was wrong, if I actually got hurt or wasn’t okay, I would safe word. And I know that you would stop.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that I...” Clary sighed heavily.

“Clary, what is it about your scenes that you enjoy? Specifically.”

Clary drank some more water and took a deep breath. “I like the way it feels.”

“The way what feels?”

“Controlling him. Hurting him.” Her voice was soft and broken. “Why would I like that?”

“You tell me. What specifically gives you that feeling? Start at the beginning. How do you feel when you see him on his knees?”

“Happy. I like seeing him... still. He’s always so tense and vibrating, looking over his shoulder, keeping all these walls and masks up. But when he’s like that, he’s just... relaxed. Stripped down and vulnerable. I like that I’m the one who made him vulnerable. That... that he let me make him vulnerable. That he trusts me enough to give me everything. When he gets on his knees for me, I feel powerful, and special. Because he... he’s the strongest most guarded person I know, and he trust me to take care of him. It shows how much he loves me.”

Maia nodded, a slight curl to the corner of her mouth. She handed Clary more chocolate. “What about when you order him around?”

“It’s... the same. He does what I tell him because he knows he doesn’t have to worry. It’s that trust. That he’ll do anything for me, without question. Because he wants to be good for me. He wants to make me happy. It...”

“It shows how much he loves you.” Maia finished, handing Clary the rest of the second water bottle to finish off. “You were right about one thing. Your father coded and programmed Jace’s mind in a lot of ways. But Jace is right in that, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. All it really means, is that this is Jace’s love language. He processes affection through dominance, submission, and pain. It’s why when he’s in a bad place, scolding him often helps him more than comforting him. Because his brain processes someone yelling at him, as someone loving him enough to want to help him. And in that same way, submitting to someone, serving them, it’s how he shows _his_ love.”

Jace nodded and squeezed Clary’s arm. “I would _tell you_ if something was wrong. I know I’ve been self destructive with things like this is the past, but _never_ with you.”

Clary nodded slowly, tossing the empty bottle next to the first, barely noticing when Maia put a third and more chocolate in her hands. Just reflexively eating and drinking as she thought it over. “When I hurt you...” She said quietly, looking at him like she was trying to make him understand something she didn’t know how to explain. “I like the sounds he makes.” She told Maia, still looking at Jace, who smiled softly at her. “The way he moves. The way _I_ can move him. The way his mouth opens and he gives that little gasp when I slap him in the face. The way his body jerks under a flogger. The way his muscles twitch when I touch him gently between strikes. The way he melts into my touch. The look on his face when I choke him.” She looked wistful and distraught. Jace kissed her forehead before pressing his own to it, just holding her. For all that she was trying to make him understand, he was trying to tell her that he _did_.

“Why? What do you like about it?” Maia prompted quietly.

“I like being in control. His body, his life, in my hands. Pulling all these reactions from him. He’s so guarded. So closed off. But I can break him open. You never see him flinch. He never makes a sound never gives a genuine reaction to anything in any other situation. But this? I can make him honest. I can make him be himself. It makes me feel... powerful. And... important.”

“Hm. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound very evil to me. Jace? Do you think those are the same reasons why your father did what he did?”

“No. No, I do not.” Jace responded, pleasantly, rubbing Clary’s back. Clary nodded, and took a deep breath.

“You said something about intent?” She turned her head to look at Maia again.

“I did. Clary. You love him. He loves you. Both of you enjoy... expressing that love in different ways than most people. But here’s the thing. I have no doubt, that if Jace said to you that he didn’t want to do this anymore, that it wasn’t helping anymore, that he wanted to stop, you would not hesitate to agree, and never look back. And that’s another big difference. Your father wanted to break him for his own purposes with no regard for him. You want to take care of him, and make him happy and healthy. And yes,” She grinned a little slyly. “There’s no shame in just enjoying the sight of a beautiful boy on his knees handing you a drink. Or other things.” All three of them chuckled a little. “That’s okay. Because you’re not making him do anything he doesn’t want. You want him to serve you and submit to you, that’s fine. _Because he wants to_.”

Clary sniffed a little and nodded, smiling slightly. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I don’t know why I freaked out.”

“I do.” She snorted at gave her an empathetic smile. “How are you feeling now? Physically?”

Clary shrugged. “A little better. More awake. More alert. A little less queasy and light headed.”

Maia nodded. “Yeah, you’d be amazed what water, sugar, and protein can do for an endorphin crash.” She held out another peanut butter cup, smirking. “I was going to bring crackers and then completely forgot them. They are currently sitting on my kitchen counter.”

“What?” Clary stared at her as she took the chocolate.

“Basically, our emotions are caused by different chemicals in the brain. When we play, any and all of us, our brain makes _a lot_ of the happy, yummy, feel good, nice chemicals. And then, after our brains have been deep soaking in it all, they dry out, wear off, burn up, go away. And it can be a bit of a shock to the system. It’s called a drop.”

Clary let out a disbelieving laugh. “Are you telling me I’m just _hungover_?”

Maia and Jace laughed, and Jace bobbed his head from side to side, considering. “I mean, kinda.” He said, shrugging. “A hangover, a drug crash, whatever. But yeah, you basically get high, regardless that it’s just your own brain chemistry, and then you sober up. And it sucks. And sometimes it sucks a lot. And sometimes, that suckiness can make your mind start to spiral. And it can go to bad places.”

“Has it happened to either of you?”

“Oh yeah!”

“ _So_ often!” Jace laughed. “I’m a little more susceptible to it. Because like you, there are.... associations connected to all of this. But aftercare can go a long way to prevent it. It gentles and eases the come down, and it provides a sort of... balance... for the psychological aspect. When my mind tries to distort the scene, I remember the aftercare, and it reminds me that everything is fine.” He scrunched his nose. “I don’t know how to explain that better.”

“No, I get it. Is there, like... aftercare for Doms?”

Maia laughed and nodded. “Yeah, honey, aftercare is definitely also for Doms. You know what _he_ needs after a scene. What do you think _you_ might need?”

Clary let out a heavy breath. “I never thought of it. I mean... it didn’t occur to me that I would need anything. I mean... I’m the one... I’m not... and it’s my responsibility...” she groaned. “Aren’t I supposed to be all.... in charge and handling everything? I’m not the one who needs to be taken care of after something like that. I’m not the one who just got their ass kicked.”

“Hm.” Maia hummed a tone of false causality. “I see. So you don’t think that physically beating someone, with the focus and precision needed to keep the experience pleasurable and not cause real damage, taking control over another person, overseeing every detail of an intense and dangerous situation, tapping into deep intense emotions, and on top of that, the experience of “mistreating” someone you love, even if it’s completely pretend and consensual and pre negotiated.... you don’t think going through all that warrants a little tending to? That there might be things you need in order to process and recover in a comfortable and healthy way? You don’t think you might need a little aftercare?” She raised an eyebrow at Clary as she popped one of the chocolates in her own mouth, holding the open bag out in her direction. Clary glared at her as she reached into the bag.

“Okay. Yes. You might have a point.”

“ _Might I?_ ” Maia smiled, eyebrows raised.

“Oh, it’s fun watching her do this to someone who’s not me, for a change!” Jace exclaimed, grinning. All three of them laughed and Clary relaxed against his side.

“I think... maybe... I might need to ramp up how much I pamper you after a scene.” She looked up at him, uncertain.

“I think I can power through that.” He deadpanned.

“I mean it. You need to let me _fuss_. Let me check every mark, and hug you a million times, and just.... I need to remember that this is me taking care of you.”

He nodded and kissed her head. “You got it. I’ll let you go full mother hen.”

“Good. And I know you’re not really communicative during and right after a scene, but... I need to know that... not just that you’re okay, but that the scene actively made you feel good. I need to hear out loud that I did the right thing.”

“Good Dom.” He said gently, scratching behind her ear.

“You’re not funny.” She said, laughing. “But yes. Like that. You need to hear that you’re doing a good job? So do I.”

“I get it. And you got it. We’ll figure something out for when I’m non verbal. Maybe like with the stoplights? Add another color? If green means good, then.... blue means awesome. And I can usually do simple words at least. If I can’t manage to tell you how or why something was good, I can still say ‘thank you’. That way, you know that I’m actively enjoying something, not just enduring it.”

“I like that.” Clary smiled. “Kiss?”

“Blue.” He grinned, and kissed her.

**Author's Note:**

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